S2 EP 28 - SEL Summer Camp Week 1: Adolescent Brains: A Powerful Engine, Sensitive Alarm, & Driver Still in Training

☀️ SEL Summer Camp is Here!

Pack your curiosity, grab your emotional toolkit, and join us for a one-of-a-kind summer adventure!

Middle School Mary Poppins is teaming up with Mightier for a special six-week SEL (Social Emotional Learning) Summer Camp designed specifically for middle school families.

Together, we’ll explore the fascinating world of emotions, friendships, technology, anxiety, anger, communication, and the developing adolescent brain through engaging conversations, family activities, brain science, and practical tools you can use right away.

Joining Suzanne throughout the series is Jason Kahn, PhD, Chief Science Officer at Mightier, who brings years of expertise in developmental psychology, emotional regulation, and helping kids build resilience through play.

Each week we’ll tackle a new topic:

🧠 Week 1: S2 EP 28 - SEL Summer Camp Week 1 - Adolescent Brains: A Powerful Engine, Sensitive Alarm, & Driver Still in Training
Understanding the middle school brain and why adolescents think, feel, and react differently than adults.

📚Camp Week 1 Download:
https://www.mightier.com/resources/5-steps-to-unstick-your-thinking-for-parents/

💜This article contains a list of strategies for parents & families that prompt them to stop and reflect in the moment of disagreement or miscommunication with their child. The strategies help families separate out their own emotions and perspective in order to better see their child's perspective. 

Future Camp Sessions & Topics:

📱 Week 2: Are Screens Evil or Not?
Technology, dopamine, gaming, and finding healthy family balance.

🌊 Week 3: Oceans of Emotion
Exploring feelings, emotional awareness, and the surprising ways emotions work together.

🌱 Week 4: Garden of Weedy Thoughts
Understanding anxiety, self-esteem, and those pesky cognitive distortions that can take over our thinking.

🌋 Week 5: Volcano of Anger
Learning what lives underneath anger and how to regulate big emotions before they erupt.

🤝 Week 6: Social Skills Lab
Building friendships, communication skills, empathy, and confidence through connection.

Throughout the summer, families will receive conversation starters, activities, reflection questions, and practical strategies that make Social Emotional Learning fun, meaningful, and accessible.

Why MSMP is Partnering with Mightier

At Middle School Mary Poppins, we believe emotional regulation isn’t something kids magically know how to do.

It’s a skill.

And skills require practice.

That’s why we’re excited to partner with Mightier, a program that helps children build emotional regulation skills through biofeedback-powered games that teach kids how to recognize what’s happening inside their bodies and practice calming strategies in real time.

💜 Special Offer for Middle School Mary Poppins Families

Receive 15% OFF Mightier with code: MARYPOPPINS

Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, counselor, therapist, or simply someone who loves a middle schooler, this series is for you.

So grab your camp gear, bring your curiosity, and join us as we spend six weeks exploring the most important classroom your child will ever have:

Their brain.

See you at camp!

☂️ Suzanne Swain, EdS, LMSW
 Middle School Mary Poppins

🦊 Stay clever, little foxes

🏆Shoutout to StellaMix Studios for making this possible! 🤗🔥💜

Transcript

Welcome To Summer Camp

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Well, hey y'all. It's a beautiful day to bust some cognitive distortions. Welcome, welcome to week one of our summer camp special, our social skills and social emotional learning summer camp, a special six-week collaboration between middle school Mary Poppins and Mightier. Remember, we did our podcast about the amazing things that they're doing over there, and I'm so excited to partner up with them for the six-week summer camp. And throughout the series, we're going to explore some emotional regulation, communication, friendship, technology, anxiety, anger, and all the wonderful, weird, and fascinating things that happen inside middle school brains. So each episode will come with some family activities, discussion questions, and practical tools that families can use together. And joining throughout this adventure is Dr. Jason Kahn. We just call him Jason. He's the chief science officer at Might Ear. Jason, welcome to camp. Oh, wonderful, wonderful. We're so glad to have you. And for those who haven't heard of Mighty Ear, it's a program that helps kids build emotional regulation skills through play. And one thing I love is that Mighty Ear really starts with a simple truth that kids are not born knowing how to regulate their own emotions. And it's a skill. And like every skill, it takes practice. And if you'd like to learn more, of course, our listeners can receive a 15%

Teens Are Not Small Adults

SPEAKER_01 1:28

off using code Mary Poppins. That's all caps. Mary Poppins on Mightier.com, and you can find out a lot more. So check it out. Well, today's topic might be the single most important thing that parents can understand. Middle schoolers are not little adults, folks. And I'm gonna say that again that middle schoolers are not little adults. They're not supposed to think like adults, they're not supposed to regulate like adults, they're not supposed to prioritize like adults. And when we expect them to do those things, everybody gets frustrated. I mean, imagine I handed you the keys to a brand new sports car. The engine's incredible, the horsepower, totally impressive, the stereo, absolutely amazing, and the paint job is just on point. It's beautiful. But there are three problems the brakes are not fully installed, the GPS is still updating, has a little bit of sketchy internet on that. And the dashboard warning lights are extremely sensitive. So, would you expect that car to drive like a finished vehicle? I mean, of course not, right? That is the adolescent brain, folks. Absolutely. So today we're gonna meet the three passengers riding around

The Dopamine Engine And Friends

SPEAKER_01 2:42

inside every middle school brain. We're gonna meet the engine, the alarm system, and then the driver. The engine is called the limbic system. This is the emotional and motivational center of the brain and is responsible for things like excitement and motivation, curiosity, reward seeking, social connection. That engine develops really early, like really very early. Dopamine is often called the reward chemical. So I call it the treasure hunter. So its job is to find things that are worth chasing. And during adolescence, the brain becomes especially sensitive to things like friendships and belonging, things with novelty and excitement, and definitely social approval. And that's why friends suddenly become so important during this time. So kids are kind of chasing this dopamine rush that they get from togetherness. So it's easy to see why it's so important for them to want to seek out relationship-based entertainment because it gives them all of that dopamine that they're so seeking. So, Jason, from a developmental psychology perspective, why would you say the adolescent brain becomes so focused on peers and belonging?

SPEAKER_00 3:54

That's a great question. And one of the things that happens to all of us, right? All of us go through this stage where we at one point in our life, we believe that we are really like we can only conceive of our brain and our thoughts. So that we're the only people out there. And then we go through this phase that happens to line up with middle school, where we all of a sudden that everybody realize, we realize that everybody else out there, my friends, my parents, my neighbors, everyone out there is thinking, and we become obsessed with this mirror, right? What if they're thinking about me? What if they think about me? And we assume because we're coming out of this space where we were the only thing that existed, and our pets were the only thing that we just sort of assume as some kids that everyone must be thinking about me all the time. Which is really when you come back and you try to look back as an adult, it's something that feels really, really foreign to how an adult thinks. But truly, as a middle schooler, that theory of mind that other people can have thoughts and other people could be thinking about me, all of a sudden it becomes a people are thinking about me, and what are they thinking about me, and I'm worried about thinking about thinking about me. And it becomes this pressure that pushes them and to really think about like what is their thing, what is their social feeling, and like what is their sense of belonging. And you know, I think, you know, while it can be really hard for adults to sort of directly remember this, I think that what a lot of adults do remember, and a fun experiment you can try with yourself, is that we all have really, really, really strong memories of our middle school and our high school friendships. And that's because we're so attuned to those relationships at those age. Uh, they form these really strong memories. And you know, it it really is that these memories and these friendships and these peer relationships, like this is when they're forming. This is when we're setting up setting up our sense of self. And it just becomes this, this really, it's it's a it is a sensitive, it's a sensitive period of development where you're you're figuring out who you are, and not just in relationship to you, but in relationship to everyone else.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

Absolutely. I mean, it's kind of just like that's where I was talking about Grace the other week, is that it's you know, the kids are trying their best at this point. It must be, I mean, I remember how confused I was and and how I questioned just about everything on the daily when I was that age. And and uh, you know, I'm sure being an adolescent male yourself at one point, you know, that's that's a difficult time. I mean, do you remember having those senses of of feeling that needing a sense of belonging and all of that when you were young?

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Well, I think what's amazing is that, like, yes, absolutely yes. And you just sort of, because you know, you talked a little bit about the brakes, right? Because the brakes don't exist, the second you have that thought, everyone's looking at me, I did something wrong. Like, you truly like you physically feel it. You don't, it's not like a an adult where like maybe you can ring it back in, but you it becomes this physical sensation that takes over your whole body. And you, as a middle, like I mean, I can remember cases, like I'm sure everybody who's listening to this can remember a case of them being in middle school and being mortified of some social situation that was happening around them.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

Absolutely. I can think of about 10 right off the bat. So you can learn the lens on them and you're like, what on earth was I waking up? Oh, I know. You're like, oh my gosh, I didn't do that, did I? Oh, I did.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

It's a universal experience of childhood. And like, I think that like for us, like as grownups, like our job is to remember that you know, for a middle schooler, that really is their whole world. Like, they don't have the systems that an adult would would have to then take perspective of like why maybe why isn't it a big deal? Maybe why isn't that uh the the uh pitfall on my face? Why isn't that a big deal? Middle schooler, that's all you have to think about. Or oh man, I messed up a play in a sp in a game. Everyone must hate me. Like that truly becomes like the you know, this this focus that you don't have you don't have the biological capacity to back off from those thumbs. That grows later, that grows in later adolescence and adulthood. Absolutely, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

And that's so fitting in is such a powerful force during middle school because that, you know, because of the entire body's need to to have that, to have even that dopamine, to have that belonging, to have all of those things, and to assume that it's all or nothing, that you know, everyone hates me because I said the wrong thing during a speech, or you know, I messed up the line in the play or what have you. And you know, that is something that I think that we forget about. I know as an eighth grade teacher, I had to remind myself repeatedly of things like that because I would, you know, want to jump on and be like, what are you doing? And it's like, oh, well, yeah, you're you're just really focused and you think the whole world's out to get you right now when when they're not. And that can also lead them to come home and be defensive as well. So, you know, it's it's something to consider,

The Amygdala Alarm And Social Pain

SPEAKER_01 8:58

and and that grace factor is is so important. But but then we have the alarm system, and that's the amygdala. I call her Amy, Amy G Dala is how you would spell it. Amy, middle letter G, D-A-L-A. The amygdala is kind of like the smoke detector for the brain, controls a lot of emotions. It's actually located in the lower part of your head. If you go take a your hand and put it on the back of your head, you're actually in the amygdala zone back there. And sometimes I'll actually rub the back of my head to calm me down, and it really seems to work for those of you who are the neurodivergent type, which that'd be all of you. So the amygdala can react before the thinking brain really catches up. A lot of times there's your logical brain versus the amygdala emotional brain. And, you know, I say you can't do math with a lion because if you're running away from a lion, you're not gonna sit there and do logical things. You're just gonna want to run and get away. So the amygdala really can save our lives. It's for fight or flight. And in some situations, your emotional brain begins responding before your logical brain really even understands what's happening. So, like, have you ever had a middle schooler suddenly burst into tears and say, like, I don't even know, I'm crying. Oh my gosh, do you know how many times I had to stop class for things like that? And that's because the alarm system just activated first. They were reacting before something actually occurred. So when it comes to school survival, there's something that adults often forget. Middle schoolers aren't just trying to survive school, they're trying to survive socially. It's the whole social network of survival. And in family systems theory, every member of the family does play a role in the system that surrounds the kid. So when the kid is dealing with things at school and then comes home, your child may feel safe enough to be really messy and to act out a bit when you find out that maybe during school they act wonderfully. They need that space to react and to kind of melt down a little bit, you know, safe enough to cry and safe enough to fail. But when you're at school, you're managing a completely different system. And that's the kind of thing that I saw day after day, all day, is this sort of, you know, they used to call it fronting. You know, I'm kind of fronting to be this big, bad, whatever I'm supposed to be, and a stereotype version of myself. But then eventually they start to come into themselves, especially the beginning of the school year. Everybody's, you know, trying with their new clothes and everything. But then they start to settle in and show us who they really are on the inside where they start to feel safe. But they're always asking themselves, do I fit in? Does do people like me? Am I weird? And weird is like the worst thing you could be, which then you find out that weird is probably the best thing you can be. But am I embarrassing myself? And do I belong? And are these people really my friends? And maybe, I don't know. That's normal, that's common, and that's something that we all struggle with. Even as an adult, we still deal with these same things. So research shows that social rejection activates some of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. So the brain treats belonging as a survival need and can even cause pain inside the body when you feel like you don't belong. So, in other words, that crippling pain of not feeling welcome, that's real. That's absolutely real. So, Jason, why would you say that social embarrassment feels so enormous during middle school?

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Yeah, I mean, I think that the piece here that adults adults need to remember is that you know, we all in our brains, we we all we have a set of tools, we have a set of brains. And physically that part of the brain is again, it's not wired up to the emotional centers of the brain. And because it is not wired up, you can have all of the emotions, all of the emotions can come in. Like that part by the time a kid hits middle of school, all of like the rich emotions that uh that anyone is capable of feeling are mostly there. So, yeah. Uh however, the the we the way the brain develops is that it builds from the bottom up, right? And so I saw this metaphor, and it's like this idea of the part that is supposed to all those emotions, right, that you're supposed to feel like that you are feeling, the front of your brain is what's responsible. But really, but in middle school, you have like the metaphor is you know, the equivalent of a dial-up connection between any part of your brain that is supposed to rein those feelings in and the emotional centers in your brain. As an adult, in theory, you're you have a you know, you have a broadband connection that builds through adulthood. Again, it's a physical change, it's a physical change of the brain that happens throughout adolescence. And because that connection is so poor, is so weak, every single signal coming in from that emotional part of that brain is unregulated. Like truly like unregulated, right? Like, you know, you can think of like think of a physical analog, right? Like you can, you know, you you can slow things down in a pipe because something happened, but like they're physical, the physical tools, right? The physical tool that would slow that down in a brain just does not exist. And so as a teen, you're s you're sort of, you know, I mean you're supposed to, you're supposed to go through this period, it is normal, but you don't have the tools. So like somebody says, like, hey, like, you know, what would look from the outside like a minor social slight, it can become that entire teen's world. And the person who said it might not mean it that way. It probably doesn't. But again, that would be a reframing exercise that an adult can do. But a team like a team just does not have the hardware to be able to handle that in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

Um absolutely. I mean, adults do forget that at the moment it's you know, it's so all-consuming. And I can say this. So, ladies, if you're going through the late 40s time of life, we are feeling that right now. So if you are in that space where, you know, you understand those kinds of things, it's you know, depending on how far away from these feelings you are, it's hard to remember that that all-consuming where your entire, I mean, you really do feel like you're the kids would tell me that their whole body would just kind of tingle when they were anticipating something good, bad, or otherwise. Does everyone hate me? Did I mess this up or what have you? And it's all that adrenaline going when they're wondering, you know, do I fit in? Am I okay? Is this, you know, and having this sort of storm of emotions when something occurs in that middle school world? And as adults, we do tend to forget that, that it really is that all-consuming,

The CEO Brain And Executive Function

SPEAKER_01 16:02

you know, where they feel those tingles. So let's meet the driver then. The prefrontal cortex. And I call this kind of the CEO of the brain. So the CEO helps with things like planning and organization, impulse control, emotional regulation, perspective taking, decision making, and even predicting consequences of actions. But kind of the shocking fact is that the prefrontal cortex doesn't fully mature as we've been talking about until approximately age 25. 25, y'all. 25. So let's review. The emotional engine really is powerful, and the alarm system is super sensitive, and the driver, well, definitely in training, at least till about 25. And no wonder adolescents can really feel confusing because everything's a bit wonky right now. So, Jason, what would you say to parents who misunder and what do you think parents misunderstand most about executive functioning then?

SPEAKER_00 17:04

Well, I think that this development is is supposed to be happening. Because I think that I mean, I'm speaking as a parent myself, right? A parent of a 13-year-old. And you know, you end up in these situations where this little guy in front of you is looks like an adult, most of the time talks like an adult. And then because in the moment, like there is no other way to say it. And kids are amazing at driving you crazy. Like, I don't know. Like, I mean, the the reality here is that, like, you know, they are there's so much going on though in that world, right? Where the like their brain is being built. That is absolutely like it's just a fact. And then they're also like exploring their own autonomy. Like, that is a common feature of adolescents, that they have to, you know, they have to figure out who they are and how they are both independent and part of a bigger community or system, whether that's a family or a school or anything, and you know, any other sports, whatever anything. And that's, you know, again, that goes back to that theory of mind of like, hey, it's not just me, it's not just my brand. There are other people. They have other and that's you know, that's a real set of warning, and that's a real set of growth that you know again, kids are naturally supposed to be exploring at that time. Uh you know, I think that you know, parents ask me, like, when do I when do I worry about this? And I think it's for me, it's it's when two things can trigger a worry for me. So when the defiance for oppositionality really seems out of line with what other parents are telling you about their own stories to write, and like not your social media feeds of like everybody, you know, all these people's like perfect kids, but like more of like the playground or black top or school drop-off stories of like, okay, here's what's really going on in my house. Because I think like that's the piece that like we do need to remember as parents is that everybody who has a teenager, a young teen especially, is going through some struggle. I think the other thing that would trigger some sort of concern that maybe a professional should get involved, would be some sort of safety concern. So if it's if your if your kid have you have safety concerns about your kid in relation to themselves or others or their behaviors that way, like your instinct as a parent is usually right. And it's, you know, pediatrician or a teacher is usually a very starting point. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

Absolutely. And and that's true. I mean, if you feel that there's a safety concern for your child, you know, do not hesitate and be sure to seek out appropriate help when there is that concern. And I know that Jason would agree with me that that is absolutely essential to your family if that is required. So please take that seriously. So, but I think a lot of families do struggle with the ability to tell the difference between defiance and developmental limitations of the time. And and just, you know, boning up yourself on child development also can be a way that you can start to understand this a bit better. But hopefully, through our summer camp, you can start to gain more perspective. And hopefully at the end of our six-week summer camp, you will have a bit brighter perspective. So we shall see, we shall see. But I often describe executive functioning as kind of like an air traffic control tower, if I may. But I mean, imagine trying to direct executive functioning through things like homework and friendships and sports and emotions, not to mention the scary P-word puberty, and even your family responsibilities and chores, while we can while the control tower is still being built. And it's trying to juggle all of these responsibilities and handle your stress and stress overload. So the adolescent brain is also remodeling itself in the process. So you have to do a bit of neural pruning, so to speak, from time to time. And scientists do call this that neural pruning, where the brain is deciding to either keep this pathway or strengthen the pathway or even remove a pathway. But it's a little bit like updating software while you're still using the computer. So your brain is learning, oh, okay, well, this worked this time. This is part of metacognition, the ability to understand that maybe a social cue isn't working, and so you adjust your behavior accordingly to seek a positive result. And metacognition can be considered some of the greatest forms of learning. So, but still, you're still using the

Regulation Before Reasoning

SPEAKER_01 21:35

computer while the tower's being built. So this may be the most important concept in today's episode is that regulation before reasoning. So when emotions become overwhelming, you get kind of a flooded highway, and the brain experiences some traffic congestion, and the emotional highway becomes flooded. Everything slows down, and during emotional flooding, you end up having things like learning. Decrease, memory decrease, listening decrease, you get the point, and even logic decreasing. So before children learn to regulate themselves, they borrow regulation from adults. And that's kind of like co-regulation. They see how they see modeling, they see modeling of their families, their teachers, and how they choose to regulate and start to model that behavior. So how you regulate yourself in front of your children can really make a big difference when it comes to middle schoolers and allowing yourself to show them that very stressed outside, but also a healthy way to regulate yourself once you've been in that storm, like they have. So if your child's nervous system is kind of a stormy ocean, your nervous system becomes the lighthouse. And you don't have to stop the storm. You just have to know, you know, really help them kind of navigate through it. And that can be difficult, but that's where it takes patience and understanding of what their brains are going through. So, Jason, what does healthy co-regulation look like in real life?

SPEAKER_00 23:00

Yeah, it's a great question. And I think, you know, you hit the meal on the head there, right? So a teenage brain that is going through some sort of stormy emotion is not working at full capacity. So a parent's job in that moment is really safety and stability, right? Like you are not going to win a logic argument with your teen while they are mad at you or their homework or anything else. And, you know, I think it's hard. I've definitely fallen into the trap myself of, you know, trying to, you know, trying to logic our way out of the situation. But in really like the best case, best case scenario is in those, in the very, very, very hard moments, just remembering, like, hey, look, like, what can I do to make sure that again the brain isn't a fight or flight or reflex. Like, safety might even sound like a funny word here, but like truly, like trying to get the your child back in this place where like their brain remembers that they're safe. And so, you know, being calm is important, and really just trying to get back to that point of stability. I think, you know, for me, the other part of co-regulation is remembering that since those difficult moments are not necessarily the place to practice, that the calm moments are so key, right? So being able to go back and talk about emotions. How are you feeling? I love the question. You know, I think the way you put it, teens feel emotions differently than grown-ups is so true. So one of the things, honestly, like I love it when parents like you can learn a lot about your kid just by saying, like, how does how does the angry feel? Just ask them, how does the kid feel? It'll you'll learn a lot about your kid. How does he being sad feel? How does being happy feel? And having those conversations is part of co-regulation.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

Absolutely. Well, and to describe the body feels of that experience for them.

SPEAKER_00 25:11

If you know your teen is going to be anxious about something, then being able to help them go into that situation with a plan, which you might not be there for, so that they feel confident and ready to be successful.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

So, what does healthy co-regulation look like in real life?

SPEAKER_00 25:29

Yeah, there were there were really two parts that that that I'd like currents to think about. So, one is remembering one of the things you said earlier was that in these really difficult, really stormy moments, uh the brain is not fully online. It's really it's it's really in this fight or flight bump. Like that's that's what's going on. And so to do it, and you know, really for the parent, it's it's providing stability, it's providing safety. You know, sometimes again, safety might even feel like a funny idea. But if you remind yourself that brain is acting the same way it would, if the tiger jumped out of the tree around a, you know, again, that the a particular mountain might not seem very big to your adult brain, but it's all the same reflex, it's all the same system. And so really like being in the moment that lighthouse, like you said, is really important. I think the other sort of for regulation though is remember those quiet moments have a lot. So I really like it when parents, and you made this point too, but it's really like a good activity a parent could try is ask a child, hey, what does your body feel like? What is that great? And then listen. Or if you know your your child or your teen is gonna be anxious about something, like really like working through and making sure that there's a plan to get started, and a plan where you your teen feels like they can be successful. You know, something where like they know what they they know what they can do, they know where they can be successful. And yes, they're gonna have to improvise as they go, but they're they're ready to go from there. Absolutely.

Family Reflection And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_01 27:14

So so let's get into a bit of family reflection. So this will be some things for you to think about until next week when we meet up again, and we're gonna meet up with Jason again next week for another fine topic. So, but in the meantime, I'd like you to take this with you and and just kind of marinate on some thoughts. So, ask what makes you feel emotionally safe? And these conversations are meant to be had within yourself and with your middle schooler. So, what also makes you feel emotionally unsafe? What do adults misunderstand about middle school? What makes friendship really difficult sometimes? What helps you calm down? Can you show me what you do when you calm down? And when do you feel most understood? How does that make you feel inside? So, some takeaways that we might have. And as we finish week one, please try to remember your child isn't giving you a hard time, certainly not intentionally, and most of the time they're just having a hard time. Their engine is powerful, their alarm system is sensitive, their GPS is still downloading the map, and their driver is still definitely learning. The middle school brain isn't broken, folks. It's just under construction. And our job isn't to rush the construction project, our job is to help build it safely. Remember, connection before correction and stop, regulate, and always listen. We'll see you next week at the Family Games Summer Camp. Folks, stay clever little foxes and Jason. Thank you so much, and we'll see you again next week. Thank you.